Quality headline
My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
“Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate
I now live in constant fear
3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.
3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough. The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck. The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck. And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”
The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.” With a bang, she’s gone. The second says: “I want to be Madonna.” She also disappears immediately. The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.” St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says. “Sara Pipalini,” replies the old spinster. St Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The old woman then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says: “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51
Alien Vs Predator
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
Advice for a broken arm
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
Why wouldn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
“Diana!” I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door…
She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know."
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: sipping toast Why?
Caveman discovers weed
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.