Quality Instagram meme account
I don't know I would just get a-spare-i-guess
His name is Tim
But it didn't workout.
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
… for 20 seconds. … And only once.
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
Just five more minutes.
For a bad altitude
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me. And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
I never get a straight answer.
He’s got car owner virus
They are in da skies.
The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" — to which his wife embraces him comfortably …the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!" Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL
I've only got my shelf to blame.
But don't worry, I'm 0K.
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
Turned on and in the tub with me.
He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a… I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counter, and produces an apple which he sets in front of his customer. The man is a bit confused and reiterates his order, stating “I asked for a Crown and 7, I’m not very hungry…” The bartender smirks and tells his patron “Sir, that is what I have given you… go ahead and take a bite.” The man bites into the apple, and to his amazement it tastes like 7-Up. “Can I have one of these, but with Crown?” the man asks. The bartender smirks again and tells him to turn the apple around. The man does this and is even more amazed that the apple is an edible mixed drink. A second man walks into the bar, and takes a seat. The bartender greets him, asking what this second customer would like. The man #2 responds with “I’ll have a Jack and coke.” Again, the bartender briefly searches beneath the counter and produces an apple which he places in front of man #2. “What the fuck is this? I ordered a drink, not a damn apple!”, man #2 says in an irritated manner. The firs customer hears man #2’s dismay, and tells him that he needs to try the apple. Man #2 bites into the apple and smiles once he realizes that the bite he took actually tastes like Jack Daniels. He proceeds to ask for a cola mixer, to which the bartender replies “turn it around”. Man #2’s attitude diminishes, and he sits to enjoy his apple. Shortly after, a third man walks in and takes a seat between man #1 and man #2. Man #3 is confused that 2 men in a bar are eating apples rather than drinking. He’s so perturbed by this he decides to ask them both, “why the hell are both of you sitting here eating apples instead of enjoying a few drinks?” Man #1, already on his third apple, is excited to share his newfound love of apples with the man sitting next to him, “you tell the bartender what kind of drink you want, and he has an apple with those exact flavors! I’m eating a Crown and 7 right now!” In disbelief, man #3 looks at man #1 and call him an idiot and a liar. Man #2 who is on his second apple chimes in, “he’s not lying. I’m enjoying my Jack and coke flavored apple. It’s like he’s got an apple for any flavor you want…” Man #3 is perplexed and takes a look at the bartender and asks, “is that true?” The bartender only responds with a nod of his head. Man #3 decides he wants to show the other two men that it’s some cheap parlor trick. He grins, looks at the bartender and says, “You got any that taste like pussy?” The bartender doesn’t hesitate, and immediately takes a look beneath the counter. Once again, he produces an apple and sets it in front of man #3. Man # 3 takes a look at the other 2 patrons who are eager for him to share their love for the magical apples. Man #3 takes a bite, expecting it to taste only like an apple. As soon as the bite touches his tongue, he spits it out. “This tastes like shit!”, man # 3 exclaims. The bartender grins and says “turn it around…”
I've got two half sisters.
We opened for The Doors
It was a brief case.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
whether they like it or not.
It was called Diffi cult.