Quarantine Day 4: Migrating my servers to Minecraft
When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian. Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian." The two men decide to speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation the rabbi says, "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down, "that's funny…"
ba dum tss
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
Thanks for nothing
…I only drive it from time to time.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
Because if they didn't, the state's population would die out pretty quickly.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.
It was the least I could do
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
The servers were down.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Probably why I’m the only child.
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
You will get jurasskicked
…you've waisted thyme.
He said yeah but it’s rare.
Because they don't have the right koalafications
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
Her: How expensive? Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000. Her: You could buy a car for that! Me: That's a bit excessive — I don't think it needs its own car.
They acts like they don’t exist until they want something.
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
a BOOMERang. Ha.
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
thanks for nothing.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
No One was shocked
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."