quarks to the rescue
A man sees a lady with big breasts.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
How to tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water… If it sinks: girl ant If it floats…..
Why don’t ghosts go into gyms?
Because people are exorcising.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and respect.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
Why was the virgin left hanging?
No text found
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.
A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby." The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!" The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. She asks, "Why are you crying"? The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was joking…
…and then I saw her face…
A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.
They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didn’t know I existed.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.
It was mother fucking gold
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
I’m going to freeze myself -273.15°
My friends are worried, but i will be 0K
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
I don’t trust people who draw…
They always seem sketchy.
