Queue is just one letter followed by four silent letters
They must be waiting for their turn.
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure.
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward
Man being a teacher is hard
Why does Reddit have 2 d’s?
The second one is a repost….
My son didn’t cope well with going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her βYou have the right to remain silentβ he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. βWhy, you see, Iβm just happy to finally have a right!β
After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.
I donβt know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers. After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smileβs and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
I have a Russian friend whoβs a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
Why do keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 Shifts…
Did you know it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust
Whatβs blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
You shuold be be able to edit titles
Edit: should
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesnβt want to be spotted.
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
Guy walks into a bar…
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake… He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No … not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"…
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didnβt see that well.
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.