Quid Pro Quo
Oh, high marks.
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
It was really time consuming
A ferrous wheel.
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Now I don't know where I am.
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I’m excited to see how they turn out!
Good Dad, terrible geologist.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Aw, don't cry. It's just a joke.
No Son, have you seen my dadglasses?
There were a lot of red flags.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
Specifically jokes for a 2nd in command, or 1st Officer to the Captain. Like: "Hi, I'm second in command so I have to drive the ship when the Captain gets seasick." Or "Hi, I'm second in command, which means I do the hard job and the Captain gets credit for it!" I'd be grateful if anyone can share any.
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"I found out my brother is gay" The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?" "I found out that my son is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Ok sir. What's the matter this time?" "I found out that my dad is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 50 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Does anyone in your family like women?" "Apparently my wife does."
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
And its called "Fast Ten, Your Seatbelt"
I’m galactose intolerant
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
you say it in a British accent.
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
If only they could see me now.
He didn't listen though.
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum."
Now I know why people call you handsome
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.