Quite fitting Imo

Because they're calf price

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block

…exclaimed Dave, crestfallen.

My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.

She must have called in thick

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble. The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?" The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it. Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. "Double or nothin' says I can bite my other eye." The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can't possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man's bet. The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye. Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man's laughter isn't helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up. "Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you've been a good sport, so I'll give you another chance to win some cash. I've got… $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and piss into the glass without missing a drop. This is kinda hard for me to do, though, so I think it's fair if you give me two chances at it." The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to piss into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet. The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, "Go!" prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top. The man chases after it, holding his dick at an angle to properly aim it. However, pissing while running at full speed isn't easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end. Catching his breath, the man reminds the bartender he has a second try, and that the first was simply to get his bearings straight. Once again, he shouts, "Go!" giving the bartender his cue to send the shot glass back down the bar. Once again, the man chases wildly after it, spraying piss all over the bar top, stools, floor, and even hitting some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar. However, not one drop of urine found it's way into the shot glass. Head hanging low, he hands the bartender $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made. All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams "Fuck!" at the top of his lungs. The bartender mutters aloud, "I wonder what his problem is." To which the man replies, "Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy."

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?" The other lady looked at her for a long time, and asked, "How soon do you need to know?"

this here

"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".

Quacks in the pavement.

NUMBER.

I didn’t know she even sold flowers!

it’s up there.”

A labracadabrador

Miner: mine

He ate his food before it was cool.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? " The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

The decision was a piece of cake.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."

The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But… you did touch the glass!" exclaims the Englishman. The Scot replies: "Aye, that I did. Here's your quid, and thanks for the cheap whisky."

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

Those damn mooselimbs.

He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”

"I Still Love Easter BABY!"

One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

So I bought her a candle…

Grandma's taking it pretty hard.

My neighbour's "No Tespassin" sign.