Quite possibly my favorite pun ever!
I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport.
I’m just in it for kicks.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
Wife: I have to tell you something.. I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Wife: No you arent
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
Every kind of clickbait does these simple things:
No text found
Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
Me: “Do you shower after having sex?”
Coworker: "Yeah, of course I do." Me: "Well, how about getting laid more often."
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Why did the hipster fall into the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
What do you call Indiana Jones in a Scandinavian river?
Harrison Fjord
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
https://ift.tt/38Crcgl
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can’t defend the towers
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
I just don't see it myself
Why can’t werewolves tell time
Because they are not when wolves
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
I named my dog “Wifi”…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
A man was found abusing words
He got a sentence.
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge…
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge
A young boy enters a barber shop…
…and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
Girlfriend asks me ” Soooo, what sounds good to you?”
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.
I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.
