r/dankmemes at it again
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
Did you hear about the guy that got hit with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, “That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.”
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
A professional limbo player walks into a bar,
He was disqualified
Circumcised people get their foreskin….
[removed]
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”
He was confused and asks one of the employees about it. “Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’." The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria. There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.” Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM. Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”
I named my eraser Confidence.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
Dad:”I need to call the doctor today.” Mom:” Which doctor?”
Dad: "No the regular kind."
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole
Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis
I’ve never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls…
They're so full of themselves!
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
I found a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
He’s good at saving
What do you call a handjob from Albert Einstein?
A stroke of genius.
A man is asking a farmer about his two cows
Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day? Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man: And the black one? Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them? Farmer: Which one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: She eats grass. Man: And the black one? Farmer: She eats grass, too. Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same? Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine. Man: Oh, and the black one? Farmer: It’s mine, too.
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors?
Let us reflect on this
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
Sometimes my son breaks into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"