r/dankmemes at it again
Nobody has ever trusted me with anything before… I think there’s a reason for that…
https://ift.tt/2I5vdhV
Where do sasquatches live?
Sasquatchewan!
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living
Its just something I could see myself doing
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy… that we have health insurance.
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
M’laria!
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish tinder had it too.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
My Dad made me watch a 20 minute video of why you should wear a condom during sex.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No it’s not
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.
Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful.
