r/dankmemes back at it again
I bought some bug spray.
Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.
What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?
Guacawakamole.
Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun that he touched it at exactly one point?
He was a real tan gent.
What’s so good about Shrek?
It's just a mediogre movie.
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?" He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area." (True story)
For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
My country has so many thieves who try to steal the cat. So i have to do this =3=
https://ift.tt/2Yt7DTW
There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches. The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?” Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.” The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”. Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
https://youtu.be/r_yF1FNcH4Q
Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?
A retail store.
My dad can’t be the only one that does this
My dad can’t be the only one that does this
French people don’t masturbate
They jacques off
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
If I won $300,000, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.
The elevator to heaven has been broken for 8 hours.
Can God create a lift on which he can't wait?
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck-an-ear
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!
Q: Why did the window frame hurt? A: It had window pains!
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
Idk how/why I thought of this😂
Why was the fool left hanging?
No text found
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”