r/dankmemes does it again
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
There was a lot of Cross referencing.
unfortunately, I mist.
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
No text found
That priest is in prison now
He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
They can’t keep a straight face
But I will raise it nevertheless.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want”? “Aha”, he says,… "United Airlines".
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
even the cake was in tiers.
"…excuse me miss, do you comb hair often?"
A vicious circle.
Mostly because his name is Steve…
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
..But its definitely worth a shot.
But it didnt ring a bell
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.
And then she gave me a huge hug.
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."