Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s the scenter
Don’t Stop
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.” “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.” When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don’t stop.”
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.
But none of them work
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
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Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
Daughter going through coupons for shopping trip.
I say "Are any of those gray?" She groans and says "How do you live with yourself?" I respond " I don't, I live with your mother".
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
I loaned my car to an Italian chef last week.
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
I farted in Burger King
It was an absolute whopper
An artist and a scientist see a rainbow…
The artist says "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" The scientist replies "Unfortunately it has no use" The artist says "Can't you just appreciate it's splendor? It has every color that exists in it" The scientist concedes "Ah, so it does have porpoise"
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
How many typographers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I'd tell you, but you wouldn't really appreciate thr punchline with Reddit's default font.
I’d never let my children watch the orchestra.
There is too much sax and violins in it
Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
https://ift.tt/36N0wJG
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
I was born at a very young age.
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(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should we release you?
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2of0OUy
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
The wishes conundrum…
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM!!! she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM!!! she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down… The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger – 2.99 Cheeseburger – 3.99 Chicken Sandwich – 4.99 Hand Jobs – 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!