R.I.P.
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” “Because…He’s my newt.”
If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns…
Then you’re looking in Alderaan places
My wisdom will kill me one day
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home. Finally, it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home. Imagine what would have happened to the bottle!…. Edit => Wow , thanks for all the upvotes. However, I feel bad, as it is not my own joke
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
When I hailed a taxi, the driver started insulting me.
"What was that for?" I asked, shocked. To which he replied, "Hey, that's what I do best. I drive people away."
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
Wanna feel old?
Wait
What is the german word for constipation?
Fahrfrompoopin
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
How do tree nuts usually end their prayers?
They said "Almond."
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
Me: “Do you shower after sex?”
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
A teenager’s car won’t start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
I saw a woman with 12 breasts the other day…
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
A cop walks up to a lawyer…
Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present." Police: "But you are the lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.
There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest. One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?" "Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple. "How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple. "It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond. "And how about you two?" He asks the young couple. "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend. "Tell me why," says the priest. "Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened." The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church." "We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
If someone stole a Tesla…
Would it become an Edison?