R.I.P.
College girl visits the doctor for an exam…
Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra." So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest. Doctor says: "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love." Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl" Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same "Take off your blouse and bra" Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest. Doctor says "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love" Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl" Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest. Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?" Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral…
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar…
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
Why couldn’t the egg quit smoking?
Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol
What number is a sport?
Ten is
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
Well Trumpy you’ve got 402,000+ people to visit and “embrace” atm. Better get on it.
https://ift.tt/39ORxHL
How do you milk a sheep?
Put an apple logo on your product.
Why don’t birds recognize each other?
They are in da skies.
To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
I have the opposite of an amputee fetish.
I am lack toes intolerant.
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
Astronaut 1: I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
People in I’m r/im14andthisisdeep said that this comic would fit in this subreddit
https://ift.tt/2QFLn5b
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
I once dated a girl that collected magazines.
But she had too many issues.
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.”
“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
spotted this one in a local weekly newspaper!! stoked to find one in the wild!
https://ift.tt/2K2oOVZ