r/itemshop and r/bossfight have become karmawhoring subs
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
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Before Beyoncé got married,
she was someone's Feyoncé
When you’ve had enough of the toddler screaming and running around the restaurant
When you’ve had enough of the toddler screaming and running around the restaurant
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute …decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
Why is it hard to read a crowd of chemists?
They have a lot of mixed reactions.
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
What do you call a drunk coffee?
Amerrycano.
I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn’t spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
A blonde joke
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO….." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE…."
An elderly, forgetful couple . . .
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?', she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
Dumbest kid in the world…
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?
Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
Self-steam issues.
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.