r/Jokes appreciates good humour
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens…
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet…
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
I made a club about erectile dysfunction.
It was a flop, nobody came.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
Last night I dreamt that I was weightless
I was like “0mg”
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied “minus one”, I said…
“Yours is one what?”
A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit. The display has a sign in front saying, “2982 BC.”
One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?” His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
I put all my watches together to make a belt
It was a waist of time
My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.
I was robbed by 6 dwarfs today.
Not happy.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?
They both have to pass the bar.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
What do you call pasta with a cold?
Macaroni and sneeze Was told to me by my 3 year old
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
Some assholes got my pen
9/11 jokes are not funny
But the other 2 are
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper…
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?" To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs…
"Really?" she said, "Go on then…try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.
Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.