r/jokes is holding a meetup.
Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event.
"Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank–" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his sentence. Without warning, a hooded figure comes up behind him, unsheathes a large scythe, and lops of his head.
Blood sprays everywhere. Pandemonium ensues. In the confusion, the spectre disappears with the body.
Emergency services are called, and a manhunt begins, but in the meantime the subscribers of r/jokes have decided to continue with the convention. u/iBleeedOrange, as the mod with the most karma, is chosen to be the new host.
"I'm sorry everybody had to go through that, and may u/Daleeburg rest in peace," he says, straightening his Syracuse hat. "But now we can continue without further interruption. Please give a warm welcome to—"
u/iBleeedOrange stops speaking, because the murderer materializes behind him and decapitates him, just as before.
As chaos reigns in the venue, what can only be the Grim Reaper disappears with the body again.
After everything quiets down, though, the r/jokes subscribers decide to give the meetup one last shot. They select a very nervous u/love_the_heat to be host because of his avid mod work and increase security, just to be on the safe side.
"Welco–" u/love_the_heat begins, but is immediately killed by the Grim Reaper, who popped out of nowhere to chop off his head with that rather large scythe of his.
Security, however, is quick to react this time, and they tackle Death to the ground, subduing and handcuffing him. As they lead him off the stage in shackles, someone yells "why? Why did you have to come to the r/jokes meetup?"
Death turned around and gave his answer.
"To reap host."
My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again
It was the end of my Korea
If I had a Delorean…
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
Because just like with republicans, it’s only wrong if it’s done against them
https://ift.tt/34LtOGo
Eating a clock is very time consuming
No text found
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
Where do sheep get their haircut?
At the baa baa shop!
How do fortune tellers greet each other?
You’re good, how am I?
I never shower before church.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not Happy.
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot
When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
What do storm troopers and churches have in common?
Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew
I’m tired of all these forced gender neutral terms
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
A lady was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
The doctor said to the husband, "don't get too alarmed… She's just having contractions."
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop…
to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.. ‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
Why the fuck they give us that option if it doesn’t work?
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.
First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting. Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere. Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks. He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown. The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won’t tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
“Dad, do all European countries drive on the right?”
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.