r / m e m e s b a c k a t i t a g a i n
What do you call a snake building its own home?
A boa constructor
My girlfriend said she didn’t think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating
But I managed to pull it off.
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
what I if told you…
that you misread the first line of this joke
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis Edit: some of us don't spend our lives on r/jokes and as such don't realise things are reposts.
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can’t
The Sax is too good
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire ?
“Same time next month?”
What does a painter do when he gets cold?
He puts on another coat!
I was going to be a history teacher.
But I don't like living in the past.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
What do you call a constipated detective
No shit Sherlock
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
An art thief broke into the Louvre.
Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings. He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building. Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police. "I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?" To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
Does your dick touch your asshole?
A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son… does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500. Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?" Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!" Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
