r/memes and shitty 100 captions, a match made in heaven.
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But catscan
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
As a child, I was abused by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.
The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.' "Why would I want a frog" says the woman. The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!" The woman immediately buys the frog and takes it home. That evening she bathes, dresses in her sexist lingerie, lays on her bed and places the frog between her legs….nothing happens. The next day she calls us the pet store and complains to the shop assistant. He apologies profusely and says he doesn't know what happened and offers to come around and fix the problem. When he arrives he ask the woman to recreate the scene and show him what she did. The woman does as instructed with the same result. The frog does nothing. The man strokes his chin and thinks for a moment. Then places the frog to one side and says to it. "Alright! I'm going to show you how to do this ONE last time!"
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.
That’s….sound advice.
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.
Being homeschooled sucks.
How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans.
Monsters aren’t usually good at math
Unless you count Dracula.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Congrats to President Daddy for Record Time Passing MEAN PEOPLE BULLY ME ON THE INTERNET ACT
https://ift.tt/36LFRWr
Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I’m like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. “DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”
I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far no one has given me a straight answer
What do you call a Holy woman that works in your office?
Nun of your business
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
Gene Hackman
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
Job interview
At a recent job interview I was asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I said "Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."
I tripped in France
Eiffel over.
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
First time
Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed. Husband : What? You had three divorces before. Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it. Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it. And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it. You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.
Two Boys One Tampon
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
How does every racist joke start?
With a look over your shoulder
I didn’t vaccinate my five kids
and both of them turned out fine.