r/memes at it again
I mixed an orange flavored soda and a twig once…
…it was fantastic!
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
[Warning: 18+]
19.
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
I just bought a new blindfold
But I can't see myself wearing it
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
No text found
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
A kid walks into a whore house carrying a dead frog..
A kid walks into a whore house with a dead frog. He goes to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The man at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts $100 bill on the counter and the man replies, ok what do you want? The kid says, I want to have sex with the girl here that has the most STD's I can get. We don't have women like that here sorry buddy. The kid then puts another $100 bill on the table. Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left. The kid comes out of the room after awhile and as he's walking out the front door the man stops him. Hey kid, why in the world would you do that? You basically just killed yourself. The kid looks up at him and says, I'm going to go home and fuck my babysitter. My parents are going to come home then my dad will take the babysitter home and he will fuck the babysitter. My dad will come home and he will fuck my mom. My dad will leave for work in the morning and the mail man will come and my mom will fuck the mail man and that's the mother fucker who ran over my frog.
John Cena wakes up at a hospital
John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you can’t
Y’all are weird.
Y’all are weird.
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
Some people say I’m too vague
But you know how the saying goes.
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
A fisherman went back to work after taking a break for six months.
His friend approached him and said, "Hey, long time no sea."
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
https://ift.tt/2UpdAjr
Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.
Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick!
I mean… how low can you get!
When is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?
It comes in at one end, and out the udder
A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
Everyone in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.
Shit, wrong thread.
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
You’ll all be seeing 2020
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
What do you call a blonde who dyed herself brunette?
Artificial Intelligence
I don’t always tell dad jokes…
But when I do, he laughs.
3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus
6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus