r/memes back at it again
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says “sure, here you go. when’s next pay day?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one with a job”
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
On a cold winter’s morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
What does a Hawaiian Muslim say?
Aloha Akbar
What do you call supersonic yoghurt?
https://ift.tt/2Kx7Tv9
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
How are condoms and poop bags alike?
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.
A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.
J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!” P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven” The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. The first person to walk into the booth is a man. M- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I have lied to my wife” The janitor looks at the chart and finds lying J- “ just say 2 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgiven” The next person to walk into the booth is a little boy LB- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I stole something from the store” The janitor looks on the chart for stealing and says “ just say 3 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgiven” The next person to walk into the booth is a woman W- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I cheated on my husband and gave another man a blow job” The janitor looks on the chart for blow job but he can’t find it. The janitor runs out of the booth in a hurry and sprints into the church. In the church he spots an alter boy. J- “Timmy! Timmy! What does father Nelson usually give for a blow job! ?” Timmy- “ usually a bag of chips and a can of pop”
A Jewish boy was failing math.
His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended. The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room and stayed there the entire night until it was time for bed. This continued for the entire semester. On the day of the next term, the boy came home as always, slammed his report card on the table with his coat, and proceeded upstairs. When the mother reviewed his report card, she was astonished to find he had gotten an A in math for the first time ever. Delighted, she ran upstairs to congratulate her son. She found him scribbling furiously in his notebook. “Zach! You got an A! I’m so proud of you! Are the nuns really as good of teachers as Jodee said they were?” “No.” “Then what is it? How come you’ve gotten so good at math all of sudden?” “Well mom, when I walked into that school and saw that poor man nailed the to the plus sign, I knew these Catholics were serious about this whole math thing.”
I signed up for my company’s 401k but I have one concern
I’m not sure I can run that far
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
Have you heard about brooms?
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?
I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?
The opposite of right
I have sex almost everyday!!!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
Waist of time.
What is the best place to train your legs?
Squatland yard.
Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods…
It could be Spam.
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.