r/memes back at it
My Science Teacher don’t know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
What happens when someone steals uranium
It becomes theiranium
George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump have died and face God…
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right." God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left." Then he asks Trump, "What do you think?" Trump: "I think you're sitting in my chair."
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
I can list every single number that’s in Pi.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis.
That percentage is zero. That's a good percentage of Nazi friends to have.
What’s the difference between a school and a compound?
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
My wife left me because I’m too insecure
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
Communist jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets it
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
Do-re-mi-fa-soda-ti-do!
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
An alter boy walks in on a priest…
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
If you’re bi and single then you aren’t bisexual
Your bi yourself
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated…
I set the comp password to ‘Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated that every time she asked what I changed it to, I answered. She did every piece of work, including corrections. Then I wrote it down.
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
There’s no way video games cause violence.
If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
No text found
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner?
A vaccum cleaner.
What does a Hawaiian Muslim say?
Aloha Akbar
Only one person can stop LeBron
That's LeBrain….
I love the way the earth rotates
It really makes my day.
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it
Why was the restaurant so slow?
The servers were down.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
People say the back of my head looks really nice
But I don't see it
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.