r/memes is a gold mine for this shit
Did my part for contact tracing.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
No text found
But it snot.
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the construction worker and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
It was a pigment of my imagination.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
He was attacked by a giant crab
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
And then it hit me!
tells me to sit
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers 👍
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!" The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today’s meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop…
I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room…
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
…. I would have to change my name.
Before she was buried the earth was flat
and she asked “Dad, why don’t you just use a sponge?”
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
To get to the other slide.
Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is… " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,…It's burning.. This is going to hurt… It's burning." A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap… you should see my pants." One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"
It was bread in captivity.
No text found
But then I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!