r/memes is goldmine for this subreddit
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
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She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin…
I still fell for it.
It gets toad.
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
One shoots and shoots and never hits, and the other hoots and hoots and never shits.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
But it's just a hunch.
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
She wanted to see the task manager
I suggest you watch all documentaries this way.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
I want the best bang for my buck
She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up. The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement. all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measurement so doctor says okay its 6ft so we gonna pay you 6000$ a month The second puts his hand as high as he can, the doctor says okay its 6"2 so we gonna pay you 6200$ a month. The Third says I want it from the tip of my dick to my balls. the doctor confused says: Are you sure sir? 100 % he replies. take off his pants and the doctors starts and then asks, where are your balls sir ? he replies: they are In Vietnam son.
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
So I packed all my bags and right.
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He brews it
That way he doesn't hit anything
So far all I have is 9.
It’s an extremely rare dish order…
Religion brought them together.
…it's about fucking time.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".