r/memes loves this format
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
Happy Father's Day!
His friend asks, "Who?"
The boy’s dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard…
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
He stops at nothing to avoid them
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?
If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me. URGENTLY!
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s keys in the door. “Stay where you are”, she said. “He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice”.
The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept. A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue. The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He didn't move at all. They did it. A couple of hours later, she repeats the process – he is still passed out – they repeat the pairing. Then Just before dawn the wife wants one more ride. So she reaches over and plucks a third ass hair! Whereupon the husband looks at the lover and says, "I don't mind you screwing my wife but do you have to keep score on my ass??
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
It takes screen shots.
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
and then there’s you, without both.
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!
He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!" Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?" "It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
I find them quite re-markable.
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
In China, dogs are E10.
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
There's always beef between them.
Imagine all the people
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.