r/memes never ceases to provide
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
I got a grandmother in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses
she just drinks straight out of the bottle.
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Why do they spell it “honour” and “favour” in the United Kingdom?
Because Rick Astley is British.
My wife says that i dont give her enough privacy
At least that's what she said in her diary.
Young Virgin Couple
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?
Can’t be spotted
A redditor walks into a bar…
v Sorry, I think my ctrl key is broken.
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
Taking things literally
is stealing.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.