r/pewdiepiesubmissions has way too many of these
If anti-maskers existed during WWII
Stay safe out there…or indoors.
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well…
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
This was found on reddit and no it wasn’t ironic
In French we don’t say ‘ninety nine’…
..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
Alyssa Milano FTW. Spot on.
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
I drunk wakes up after a very long night of drinking.
He smells coffee and bacon/eggs cooking.He staggers down stairs to find his wife making breakfast, the papers on the counter and a tall cool glass of water is in her hand for him. He stumbles over and takes the glass from her expecting the worst but she smiles and gives him a kiss on the cheek and tells him to relax and she will bring him his breakfast when it's ready. He timidly asked her….so what happened last night when I got home? Well you silly bastard, you got home absolutely shitfaced and couldn't even get undress to go to bed. When I tried to help you out of your clothes you shouted get your filthy hands off me you fucking whore….I'm married, than you passed out.
Detroit: Become Positive
Viagra funny and good
Is “I can’t touch digital currency” the inverse of “I can’t click book”?
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
You’re not a martyr!!!
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but soon fell asleep.
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
Gotta love baby Yoda
Thought she waz hot af
if u didnt spend 6 hours automating a task that takes you 30 seconds did you really do work
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?" The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate." The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one…" st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?" The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
Fuck you gop
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Lets split up gang
Improvise -> Adapt -> Overcome
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
While studying equilibrium:’)
I like “ROUTE 69 SEX KING OF THE ROAD” the most.
A man’s in-laws are causing him severe stress….
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way. A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked. "Yep! They're finally dead."
That’s why i got all the female homo sapiens sapiens
A British man, a Fench man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
Redditors don’t know how tits are like anyway
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally.
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
My sad github repo
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
The Furniture store kept calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
And just like that they wanted that check
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Yep. It can happen.
The debate is settled then.
Very big brain
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20 a pint." "Hmm …," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon." The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator. The next day, they meet in the elevator again. The man asks, "So, where you off to today?" "Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
Was just bored
True colours or stripes to spots?
Next hospital bed to the highest bidder!
We get it – you’re published
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
Fat glasses wife angery all day since forever