r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
But, I just didn't have the patients…
He's a Cairo-practor…
Because you should have three square meals a day!
and on the other, your left.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
That’s just how I roll.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
He was gladiator.
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
One shoots but never hits, the other hoots but never shits.
We only do hare cuts.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
Anna 1 Anna 2
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
You can never find the barcode
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Where you put the cucumber.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
I mean, how low can you go?
She was a runaway bride
A seasoned veteran
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
When they asked what it meant, he said it was a thimble of friendship!