r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
Kicked out of Sea World
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In case they get a hole in one.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
A grand entrance
They LAVA good joke!
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
It always was my achilles elbow.
The stock market!
…you need to let that mango.
She didn't know I existed
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
It’s all word of mouth…
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Like getting up early to go to work.
Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome.
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend. Her father suddenly slammed the door open and started screaming at her. "Dad, I'm sorry!", she said. The father turned to me and, from the top of his lungs, he started screaming: "Are you fucking sorry?"
They are always up to something.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
When it turns in-to a driveway
Q: Why did the window frame hurt? A: It had window pains!
"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
To be honest, it was pointless.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
A tea toddler
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"