r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.” “Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.” “Where’s President Trump clock?” asked the man. “Trump's clock is in Jesus’ office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.”
Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
A Russian group I’m in keeps posting trash like this and reposting it 999 times
https://ift.tt/2xQdrxx
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
What do you call a cow that works out?
Beefy my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
What’s the fastest liquid?
Milk- it’s pasteurized before you see it
Why did the girl fall in the well?
She didn't see that well.
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
I don’t like thin pancakes..
They just crepe me out.
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it
How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?
You call them antisemantic!
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well…
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
The people from Stockholm in Sweden must really love it there
They never seem to leave
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion
No text found
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
I didn’t know why the baseball was getting bigger.
And then it hit me!
Why did Shakespeare always write using a pen?
Pencils confused him…2B or not 2B?
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?
Because it’s the first time he’s gotten the most votes.
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.
Trying to get in to smaller pants.
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?
The opposite of right
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?
It ended in a draw.
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels
She didn't know I existed
When you say “poop” your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.
The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets