Rami-ken Malek
What is a weightlifter’s favorite city?
Gainesville
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
Dad: “Would you like anything to eat for dinner?” Son: “What are my choices?”
Dad: "'Yes' or 'no'."
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
What’s the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
Doctor: Hi, my name is Juan, and I’ll be delivering your baby.
Dad: OB Juan, you’re our only hope.
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Have you guys heard about these new corduroy pillowcases?
They're really making headlines!
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
Stoner Joke. Three Men Died and Went to Hell Where They Met the Devil. (Warning! Long one)
Three men died and went to hell where they met the Devil. The Devil told them that they had sinned in life and therefore had to spend the next 666 years in hell to atone for their sins. However, since the Devil wasn't entirely merciless, he would let them choose for themselves how they were going to spend those 666 years. And so the Devil let the men to three doors. Going through the first door, they entered what looked to be a normal bar. Although, if you were there for more than an hour, you would notice that no matter how much you tried to drink another bottle would appear on the shelf. And even better, the bar always had the exact drink you wanted available. An unlimited supply of every alcoholic beverage in existence. It was, in short, a drunkard's paradise. When they entered the second door, they were greeted by a myriad of women all ready to satisfy every sexual desire they could possible have. There were multiple women of every shape, size and ethnicity imaginable. Looking closer you would notice that there were even celebrity and work crushes from your life in the crowd. Every single one of them ready to please you. It was, in short, a pervert's paradise Finally, when they entered the third door, they found themselves in a forest made of cannabis. The ground was made of kief, all the bushes wore beatiful buds and even the trees were 20 feet tall cannabis plants. There were every strain it has or ever will be possible to grow. You could even find rocks of hashish laying around the forest floor if you looked closely. It was, in short, a stoner's paradise. The Devil asked the men which room they each wanted. The words had barely left the Devil's mouth before the first man ran directly to the room with a myriad of women. The second man then went to the room with the bar, thinking that if he was going to spend 666 years in hell, he might as well be drunk for most of it. Lastly, the third man, thinking he had won the lottery, gladly went towards the room with the forest of cannabis. 666 years later, the Devil returned to see if the men had atoned for their sins. When he opened the first door, bottles slowly rolled out and you could immediately smell piss and puke coming from the room. It took the Devil a while, but he finally found the man nestled between the bottles, smeared in his own shit and puke, and with arguably the worst hangover in history. The Devil agreed it was punishment enough and let him out. When he opened the second door, he was overwhelmed with the sound of hundreds of crying children and angry women. Not ten seconds after the door opened, the man came running, pleading for the Devil to please let him out. There were kids of every age running around screaming and all the women were angry at each other, while everyone, children and mothers alike, were angry at the man. The Devil agreed it was punishment enough and let him out. When the Devil opened the third door, he immediately saw the man sitting cross legged in a giant pool of his own tears. The Devil had not expected this. Confused, he went to ask the man what was wrong. The man, tears still running down his face, looked up at the Devil and said: "I don't have a lighter" Edit: a word Sneak note: ITT a lot of people who wants to ruin the joke 🙁
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
No text found
I used to be heavily addicted to soap…
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
I’ve got two pet monkeys who share an Amazon account…
They're prime mates…
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
What’s the definition of a Will?
Come on guys! It's a Dead Giveaway!
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
A man goes to a doctor
A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can." I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I’d say your leg appears to be broke in three places."
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cuz you’re blocking the TV
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
A floss-o-raptor
