Rami-ken Malek
When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive…
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
I always used to wonder why golfers would shout “fore”…
Then it hit me.
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
Why do North Koreans hate jazz music?
They don't have Seoul.
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?
A threesome.
Why can’t T-rexes clap?
Cause they’re extinct
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
It’s amazing how seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid January and I’m freezing.
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.
Edit: 3 children Edit: 2 Edit: 1 Edit: 0
Your mom is so fat
Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat. [EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum Wow, thanks for the support guys
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
After two weeks of trying, my wife just told me she was pregnant.
She has the world worst stutter.
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian
Its like I had never seen herbivore
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
The early bird gets the worm
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,
“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 98 votes short…”
