I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery…
I’ve had it right up to here with them!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too High
She looked surprised.
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out….
Man walks into a tuxedo shop and the associate says “do you need any help?”
The man gruffly replies "no i think im fully capable of finding my own tux!" Associate says "fine. Suit yourself."
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
What do you call a blind dinosaur
A doyouthinkhesaurus
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars…
Judge: First offender? Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey
But I turned myself around
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has a little known brother.
Randolf the brown nosed reindeer, he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country you fucking towelhead"
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He's an artificial sweetner.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
TIL: Children are born with four kidneys.
When they get older, two of them become adult knees.
Bad knock-knock joke #4
Knock knock. Who’s there? Amish. Amish who? You're not a shoe, you freaking idiot.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll
Now that people are isolated and bored they make a lot more dad jokes
It's a true pundemic
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
What do you call an army of babies?
Infantry
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!” She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You dropped your purse on the floor outside outside McDonald’s. Thank you so much she said, Where is it? I said, I’ve just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.