Ransom
A cop pulled someone over
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English. Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Found this on my camera roll for some reason
Found this on my camera roll for some reason
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
I finally figured out why the air mattress thought it was better than all the other regular mattresses
Turns out, it had an inflated ego
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
A Discardigan.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm…
The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie." "Ummm… okay…" the guy says, skeptical. "What for?" "Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell you!" So the guy leaves and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. He tells the doctor his stomach pain is even worse. The doctor tells him to drop his pants and bend over. The guy does. Next thing you know, the doctor is shoving the banana up his ass. "The hell do you think you're doing!?" the man screams. "You want my help, or don't you?" His stomach is aching, so he clenches his fists and lets the doc proceed. The doctor shoves the banana all the way up his ass. And then looks at his watch for ten minutes. Then she shoves the cookie up his the man's ass too. The man is shaking badly from pain. The doctor tells him to come back tomorrow and bring a banana and a cookie. "Again!?" "You want my help, or don't you?" So the guy goes away and comes back the next day with a banana and a cookie. The exact same thing happens. This time the man is shaking and crying by the end of it. The doctor tells him to come back the next day with a banana and a cookie. "You want my help or don't you?" the doctor says, cutting off the man's protests. So once again, the guy returns, and gets a banana, and ten minutes later, a cookie shoved up his ass. He's sobbing by the end of it. But this time the doctor tells him, "Tomorrow, bring a banana and a hammer." "Oh God! What the hell are you going to do to me now!?" the man says, and he leaves sobbing. But the next day, he returns with a banana and a hammer. The doctor tells him to drop his pants, and once again he shoves the banana up the man's ass. Then he waits. Ten minutes later, the tapeworm pops his head out of the man's butthole. "Hey! Where the fuck's my cookie!?" BAM!
William Shakespeare was deciding what pencil to use
2B or not 2B
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
What do metals call their friends
their chromies
My 8 yr old son asked me to buy him a Lamborghini
I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
A military commander calls his soldiers and says: “the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!”
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander. "Oh well…" said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden… so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of". So the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back. "So… what did you do to the mole?" Asked the commander. "Ohoh! Commander!" The soldier laughed: "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!" "Did you… cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?" "Even worse!" "Hmm… did you throw him to the rabid dogs?" "Even worse!" "Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!" "I buried it alive!"
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
6:30 is the best time on the clock..
Hands down.
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
What’s the difference between a feminist and a grenade?
Grenade actually accomplish something when it triggers. EDIT : NOT FROM USA NOR WHITE
Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?
The United States of America.