Raven Coffehouse in Port Huron, MI
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.
The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.β¦" "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."
How do you clickbait someone?
No text found
I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I’ve ever had.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to scew in a light bulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
A Syrian kid in France.
A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him. "No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.". He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque. Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was? He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque. She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives. Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the shit out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds: "You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.
I was so scared, I almost fell in.
Why do chicken coops have two doors
If they had four they would be chicken sedans
cries in toshiba hdd
Hey babe are you a mechanical hard drive because you have an average response time of 2 years.
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"
How do you tell if noodles are old?
If theyβre pasta expiration date.
What is Yodaβs preferred seat on an aeroplane?
Next to a Windu.
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
I donβt trust people who do acupuncture.
Theyβre all backstabbers
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team
Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights. Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program. One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor. As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0. The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you canβt C in the dark
βOfficer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?β
Cop: Itβs a…moving violation.
I was at a local bar when a woman
at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she mustβve been mistaken. I said β who me?!!!?β She said βyes of course you. I donβt usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.β
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
