Raze fake murders. Bury real ones.
My wife offered me a blowjob today.
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny
“Hey girl, lets go to my place, we can watch a movie or something.”
"I don't know… do you have any toilet paper there?"
My astrology teacher asked me about my horoscope.
I said, "I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in."
Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
They are Santa's star bucks
Why Jesus and the 3.5″ floppy are the same?
They both died to become the icon of saving.
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”
He was confused and asks one of the employees about it. “Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’." The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria. There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.” Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM. Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
My sword doesn’t weigh much
It’s my light saber
“I’m sorry, but Joey Starr is not mentioned among the 20th century philosophers”.
https://ift.tt/3gDH1bb
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
Silicon Valley.
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
it’s not stroganoff.
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
Why are so many people tired on April 1st?
they just finished a 31 day March.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
where have you been for the last 20 years?
4 20
20, 20, 20, and 20.
Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn't handle the bars.
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
What do you call a hippies’ wife?
Mississippi
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue
Welcome to invisibility class.
I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
If you’re ever choking on an ice cube
https://ift.tt/2LvRzu3
Why do skeletons never take any risks?
Because they have no guts.
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
Chicken strips.
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
Who can drink two litres of gasoline?
Jerry can.
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.
He was asked – Q 1. When did India get Independence? He answered – The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947. Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence? Answer – There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. Q 3. Do you think, Corruption is the greatest enemy of the country? Answer – A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report. The Interview Board was impressed by his original ideas. They asked him to wait outside; but also advised him not to reveal the questions, as they may ask the same questions to other candidates also. When the young man went out of the room, (there was other Person waiting for the interview outside the room). Person(2) inquired about the questions asked. The young man said that he had promised the interview board not to disclose the questions. But, Person(2) found a way out. "Tell me the answer you gave." The young man, thought it to be okay, as he was not going back on his words of "not disclosing the QUESTIONS". So he gave him the three answer which Person(2) quickly learnt by heart. When person(2) went in for interview, this is what happened. Q 1. When were you born? Person(2):- The efforts started long back, but could succeed in 1947. Interviewers got confused…they asked next question. Q 2. What is your father's name? Person(2) :- There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. The board members were shocked at the reply..they said. Q 3. Are you mad? Person(2) :- A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report.
What does a house wear?
Address
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.