Reaction meme at it again
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
What’s ET short for?
he’s got small legs
So proud
Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said “I’m warm.” Son piped up and said “I can finally say this – Hi Warm, I’m Dad.” Proud moment.
What does a clock do when it’s still hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck
They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied. The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat. The man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast. He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. Anything.” The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities. “Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
A buddy of mine wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to send him 10 of my best puns to make him feel better.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine…
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant….
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
A person asked me, “Hey, aren’t you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?”
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus.
People around you will socially distance from you automatically.
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.
The answer was no.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
What language is only spoken among mailmen?
Parcel tongue
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
engrained
engrained
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
You can actually nut during November.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
What do you call a sad coffee??
Dippresso
“Hello I’d like to register for mime classes”
"Ah, say no more"
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff….
Bah-dum tssssssss
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
There was once a man who read no books
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."