Reading a book called “Opaque” but the content is very unclear.
No text found
MATLAB: fake it until you make it
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.
100 year old comic proving boomer is a mindset
We don’t deserve this
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
Found one in the wild on the first day at my new job
No context needed
I will never make an elevator joke
I refuse to go that level
Back in the day…
Bug fixing in production
Sasquatch spotted in DC
What’s a bowlers favorite kind of vegetable?
A spare I guess
Will become relevant sometime between tomorrow and 100’000 years
I don’t even know what to say.
*insert flushed emoji*
Train station in England knows how to properly number its platforms
So easily triggered
It’s suppose to be funny
[borderline fit] source in comments
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
Exactly how much did that Christmas Party cost?
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Daughter going through coupons for shopping trip.
I say "Are any of those gray?" She groans and says "How do you live with yourself?" I respond " I don't, I live with your mother".
I don’t :( I am just good with frontend technologies
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
I don’t even get the “message”
That’s smocking gun to you.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
For a complete team
So, a snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”
A woman sent two ties to her son in law.
Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him. The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence. Finally she spoke, “Alright then, what was wrong with the other tie?”
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, “No pets allowed.”
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
[Not my meme] But do you know the answer?
In other words, Uranus farted
An interesting title
Ever done this?
A guy broke into my garage and stole my limbo pole last night…
Seriously, how low can you go?!
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
Riiiiiight thanks Github
The molecular structure* i meant.
Welcome to America
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONN
ELSEVIER LIBRARY SUBSCRIPTIONNHello everyone! I’m Phuong Tran, a medical student and come from VietNam.And I have some elsevier accounts, and I want to share it with everyone. And you can access Scopus, Sciencedirect, Clinicalkey.The account is register by your email and used with two mobile apps and one website. Registration fee is very cheap, 2$ per month and 20$ per year.If you want to register an uptodate account, send to me a message Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100012033042613 or telegram https://ift.tt/3cIXwzD will subscribe account first, then you will transfer after received your account py Pay Pal.
U r what u eat
So this happened today at Game 5 of the World Series that Trump is attending tonight…
not sure if it’s already been posted
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
My sex life is like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms, no dates.
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
He’s now Dr.Awkward.
I said good day!
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
My friend showed me his huge comic book collection…
It was quite a Marvel.
How did the potato feel about being uprooted?
It was a root awakening.
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
#2537: Do you have a vagina?
A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this. Man: Do you have a vagina? Woman slams the door in disgust The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again". The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this" The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? " The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".
My wife screamed in pain during labour
I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Went to universal this break…
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
Poor Astra :/