Reading MotherTruckin’ Rainbow
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
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You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that can’t count
My wife: I’m leaving you because of your obsession with Star Wars
Me: May divorce be with you
Vladimir Putin has been visiting all the old U.S.S.R. Countries.
You could say it was a Soviet Reunion.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.” “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.”
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
A Japanese tourist went into an American bank to exchange some Yen for Dollars..
He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90. Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?" The teller replied "Fluctuations" "Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider
Two irishmen, lost at sea…
Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate. Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it. One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out! "Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads. "I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully." Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!" "Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer. The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"
What does a magician say when he sells his stuff
No strings attached.
Two termites walk into a bar and ask
Is the bar tender here?
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
A man takes his wife to get tested
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now? Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
The guy who stole my diary just died…
My thoughts are with his family!
Two Boys One Tampon
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
I did Nazi that coming
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window…..
Little did I know the window was rolled down… at least it stopped crying
Why do they spell it “honour” and “favour” in the United Kingdom?
Because Rick Astley is British.
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isn’t working out
