real funny
So I had an interview last year
The interviewer: You answers should be quick Me: Ok Interviewer: what is 1490/52? Me:quick
ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The HILLBILLY woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The HILLBILLY woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX."
Idk why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk
He is basically a giant banner.
My wife told me to stop obsessing over a certain footballer.
So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."
Why are the horse stalls at a racetrack labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one would bet on a seahorse.
I have some jokes about unemployed people.
But I know they won't work.
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
Why was the broom late to work?
It overswept
What do you call an amphibian that goes to space?
An Astronewt
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
What’s the difference between light and hard?
I can fall asleep with a light on.
I’ve been telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's about raisin awareness.
A man accidentally elbows a woman’s boob
as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me." To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
When the clerk says “sorry about your wait”, I reply,
"I am too, but it's ok, I've been fat my whole life"
My girl asked me if I were to have a threesome which of her friends I’d choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to choose one…
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
What do you call a tire in a tuxedo?
Formalatire.
A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”
“Orchids?” asks the florist “No, just the flowers” he replied