Real science publications relevance
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there soon.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?" "Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!" The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do." His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy. Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues. By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well. The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation. "We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says. The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you." "Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday
It came completely out of the purple
german wife bad
Translation:Alexa: ‘Helga, bring Klaus a beer”Most algorithms are programmed by men’https://ift.tt/2H2F8UH
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they ever met
I'm not buying it
This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
My son wanted me to cosign on a loan for college…
I said, "what's your angle?"
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
It’s easy to get along with meteorites.
They're really down to Earth.
John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night
Turns out it was just saturday night fever (Taking advantage of a very narrow humour window!)
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market
I should have bought asparagus
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
I never thought my son would steal road signals
But when I got home all the signs were there
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.” “You miss me that much?” she asks. “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
What does the sign of an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys…..
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth
Then it's a soap opera
A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.
“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.” Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!” I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
Today I quit drinking for good
Now I only drink for evil
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.