Real science publications relevance
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I donβt know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today. Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
Some strange person dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step this morning.
I donβt know what to make of it.
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
Dad
https://ift.tt/2DsYG33
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?
Man: Iβm .. Officer: Go on. Man: I think… Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Don’t mess with Superman in a diner and don’t mess with a Skywalker in a hallway.
Don’t mess with Superman in a diner and don’t mess with a Skywalker in a hallway.
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic.
There would be six feet between us.
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
Bindi Irwin got married!
That's a ray of hope!
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture.
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
You want milk with your bean water?
You want milk with your bean water?
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, βThis is so unrealistic.β
I said, βJust because youβre unwilling to try new things, doesnβt mean everyoneβs that frigid.β βNot that,β she explained, βItβs just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.β
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
Why does the Keyboard work 24 hours…
Because, it has two shifts.
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner
On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Guy named Eddie walks into the men’s room at a bar.
As he's standing at a urinal, another fellow walks up to a nearby urinal. Eddie glances over and notices the other guy has no arms; both of the sleeves of his jacket are empty and folded over. Armless guy says to Eddie, "Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out?" "What can I do for you?" says Eddie, praying he isn't going to ask what he thinks he might. Sure enough, he does. "I know this is a lot to ask of a complete stranger, but would you mind unbuttoning my trousers so I can take a leak? As you can see, I'm in a tight spot here." Eddie grimaces a little before reluctantly agreeing. He quickly reaches over and undoes the guy's zipper. Armless guy then says, "Do you think you could, you know, pull it out for me? Sorry to ask, but I'm about to piss myself. Eddie says, "You gotta be kidding. You're asking me to grab your dick and aim it towards the pisser?" "Please, man, I don't have any other options here." Eddie, feeling sorry for the guy and feeling pissed off simultaneously, mutters to himself as he reaches in, and gingerly pulls out his dick. As he does, he first of all notices this putrid smell before seeing several open oozing sores on the guy's dick. Totally disgusting. While the guy is pissing, Eddie rushes over to the sink and washes his hands in hot water. As the armless guy finishes up, Eddie grabs a couple of paper towels because he knows what's coming. Sure enough, he gets asked if he'll put it away for him. As he tucks the guy's horrific pecker back into his trousers and buttons him up, Eddie says to the guy, "OK listen, I'm sorry but I have to ask … What the hell is the deal with your dick?! "Beats the shit out of me," he answers, and then produces both arms from inside his jacket and slides them into his sleeves, "But I sure as fuck don't want to touch it."
A buddy once asked me if I’ve ever stuck it in her
…you know, "other hole". I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said “Hi sir I’m david, nice to meet you”.
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isnβt sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times youβve sneezed and three times youβve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "Iβm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "Iβve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
#871: Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
Why canβt orphans play baseball?
They donβt know where home is.