Reality check.
If sounding my B’s as V’s makes me Russian
Then Soviet
My utility belt is empty…
Now it's just a waist of space.
“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something
If the opposite of “pro” is “con”,
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.
Ruth hits a tree. Johnny decides to continue on. Ruthlessly.
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out….
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
While Trump goes off the rails about Russians helping Sanders lets not forget.
https://ift.tt/2unJRh4
How does a train eat?
Chew Chew
Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her,
“On what day will I Die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
[First day as a rookie cop.]
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish…
The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?" Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!" POOF She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy. The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?" Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!" POOF Away she went! The third nun, an Italian girl, nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?" With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?" The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!" And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands. Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
A buddy once asked me if I’ve ever stuck it in her
…you know, "other hole". I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.
I was going to make myself an omelet this morning.
But then, I realized I would miss being a person so I didn't.
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.