Reality is often disappointing
I don’t understand the opposition to same sex marriage.
Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.
When they say no I yell,”GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes…
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.
They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading. Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question. Ubisoft answered every question, but the answers were all incorrect. Ubisoft explained that they planned to fix the answers later after the test was graded. EA, answered the first question correctly, but the rest of the test sheet was blank. EA then demanded a dollar for each answer after the first, but couldn't guarantee it would be the correct answer. And Valve put their pen down after answering the 2nd question.
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
An Irishman walls into a bar in Dublin..
orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while on her period?
They said she had a mean flow.
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
Duck a Fuck
A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price. The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it. When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made. He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
I accidentally joined an organization…
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
For those who suffer from paranoia, please remember you’re not alone.
They’re always watching.
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
I went to the doctor and told him I couldn’t hear through one ear..
Doc: "Are you sure?" Me: "…I'm Definite."
So a vowel saves another vowel’s life.
The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?
The wizard of fl.oz.
How do volcanos feel about jokes?
They LAVA good joke!
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?
Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.