Really good boomer humour.
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”
A man sitting in the corner replies, “You won’t have enough bullets”
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
2 blonds are in heaven….
One asked the other: "how did you die?" "I froze to death" said the second blond "That must be awful, how it felt?" said the first blond "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You are very cold and eventually you're muscles get numb and you freeze to death. It's sort of calming. How did you die? " "Well, " says the first blonde, " I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me. I came home unexpectedly and went upstairs to find him on the bed naked. I checked the basement, but no one was there. I ran up to the second floor and checked every room, but no one was there. I ran all the way to the attic, but I had a massive heart attack and I died." "Wow, " says the second blonde, "If you checked the freezer we would both be alive."
Did you read the news about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere!
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
I mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” with “Yakuza”…
…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today. Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
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Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
So I said to Arnie: “Where did you get those toilet rolls?”
He said: "Aisle B, Back."
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
spotted this one in a local weekly newspaper!! stoked to find one in the wild!
https://ift.tt/2K2oOVZ
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The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.
Why does Batman wear Dark clothing?
Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright clothing? Batman doesn't want to get shot.
Everyone was excited at the autopsy club…
It was open Mike night.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A FIZZician
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
What do you get when Jason Momoa disappears?
Jason Nomoa!
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.
Do i really need a hypnotist?
I'm open to suggestion.
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
By the time you realize you’re not in shape
it's too far to walk back.
As I get older and my eyesight gets worse, I can only think of one thing:
When will I get adult super vision?
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?
Take off the ring and your house is gone
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
THE PIXEEELS
THE PIXEEELS
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"