Recently broke my thumb, I asked the nurse if I’d be able to play the piano?
She said I would
I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.
It hated the dark.
but this is as close as I could get
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
Too many Maine characters.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north…
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Keith. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "Well, she just died and left me everything."
She's such a Thyme waster
Every time I look at her I’m rock hard
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
Outlaws are wanted.
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
They always quack the case.
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
Ernie: Sure Bert!
I have a hunch it might be me.
He said "suit yourself."
Dress her up as a choir boy
Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.
The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?” The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.” The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.” The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
There would be a mass confusion
No text found
Stop school shootings
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Sometimes he laughs.
He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality. The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future. The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical. The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables. After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception. The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."
I don't know how I feel about that. (Credit to 30 Rock. Thought it fit here)
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
She was a mathamachicken
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”
But it was all in my head.