Recently I bumped into the guy that sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
What gender is google?
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
You may be young enough to understand tech, but damn that’s a boomer tier joke
https://ift.tt/39ET2Jk
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little
“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”
What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller!
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
A man applies for a job as a lumberjack
Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience? Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years. Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked? The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir. The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara desert? Well sure, that's what they call it now.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"