Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
A wife goes to her husband and says…
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
What do you call a stupid fish?
A dumBass
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
Did you hear about the antenna that got married?
The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles
https://ift.tt/3b9An9b
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one and let the other one off.
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn…
After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work. “It looks pretty good,” says the first one. “Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second. “What do you mean?” “Well, look at these three wise men. Three wise men? That sounds like Ivy League elitists to me. Plus, Frankincense and myrrh? I bet these guys are Arabs. The president wouldn’t like this at all.” The other aide agrees he has a point, so they take out the wise men and chuck them over the fence. “Do you think it’s ready now?” says the first aide. “Not really,” says the second one, “Look at Mary and Joseph – they’re refugees! I bet they’re bringing drugs and crime to Nazareth.” So they take out Mary and Joseph too. “Ok, I think we’re ready,” says the first one. “Not yet,” says the second, “look at the baby. His parents came from Egypt just so he could be born in Nazareth? Sounds like an anchor baby to me.” So they chuck out Jesus as well. Proud of their work, they head back to the Oval Office to let the president know they’ve finished. “Well?” He asks, “have you finished the most bigly tremendous decorations? We’re going to make Christmas great again.” “Yes, Mister President. We’re sure you’ll be very happy with it. We took out the wise men, Mary and Joseph, and Jesus.” “Well,” Trump asks, “what’s left?” “It’s just the way we thought you’d like it sir. One jackass and a whole bunch of sheep.”
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
I have a fear of speed bumps.
I am getting over it, slowly.
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
People ask me,”where do you get your jokes from?”
I said “I reddit from somewhere”
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
Hmmm, doesn’t quite work when you’re still standing two foot next to each other.
https://ift.tt/2JK3nIV
I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
I always wondered if Disney could pull off a good tiger villain.
They Shere Khan.