Recursion go brrrr
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
My girlfriends place is filled with bees!
She's a keeper…
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night…
Not happy !
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
The amount of bad coronavirus jokes is starting to reach worrying numbers.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day…
An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
I’d like to thank my legs
For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them.
I have a fear of giants
Feefiphobia.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal
They just want to dye. (My first oc please don’t hurt me)
My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
Dad, how many types of boobs are there?
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?", the son asks. "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." The daughter and wife are infuriated on hearing this. The daughter asks "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mom smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After 50, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter. "Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."
I just saw some idiot at the gym
he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
I played “Sweet Home Alabama” to my sister since I learned the guitar recently
Nothing happened. But our kids loved it
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thank you." I said, "Don't mention it."
A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try …
Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, "Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend." The woman was confused. "What makes you think you're gonna be better than my last 3?" She inquired. "Well," he began. "I have no arms, so I won't abuse you. I have no legs, so I won't abandon or run away from you." "But how are you in bed?" She asked. And his response was, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible
No text found
A ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
I never met herbivore.
Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.
That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
