So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
They both border on stupidity.
Thog don’t care
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
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I was afraid of that.
I'm a faux pa.
She told em to pipe down.
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.
He got a little behind in his work.
Because they can't even.
A vindow viper
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. That’s where I draw the line.
Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral.
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
But I called her Bluff.
Nobody could control Hispanic.
Good players are hard to find.
The captain was standing on the deck!
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
Hopefully you won't get it.
He slept all through math.
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
That was my wholemeal.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay her. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
But it just felt Forced.
A wide supremacist.
An animal cracker.
He tells the bartender “ZZZ I’m a cat ZZZ I’m a cat”. The bartender says “Yes sir you are.” The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says “Why did you agree with him? That dog’s not a cat!!” The bartender replies, “Sometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.”
That kid didn’t help me at all.
So I packed up my things and right
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.