[REDACTED] is a common killer of scp memes
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke. How did I do?
My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
Unknown man sneaks into WH and gets picture taken with a discombobulated President Trump.
https://ift.tt/38mdDRT
[NSFW] Wonder Woman is laying naked, face down, on a rooftop…
…when Superman flies by and sees her. Her naked body has him feeling all types of ways, so he starts to think, "You know, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even realizes what happened." So, Superman flies in, does his business and takes off. Wonder Woman says, "What was that?" The Invisible Man responds, "I don't know, but my fucking ass is killing me."
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
It’s hard finding enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.
I’ve been working on it tirelessly.
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool
What is a gay banker’s favorite Christmas movie?
Homo Loan 2
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
"You crossed the wrong guy."
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
I’m sure there’s an army of weavers coming our way.
I just sense this looming dread.
Weinstein didn’t kill himself
Sorry just practicing
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
Amazing Team Player
The interviewer calls the candidate for the interview. The candidate enters and gives his resume. The interviewer takes a look and mentions that he is going to peruse through it. The interviewer starts reading through the projects and sees that he single-handedly led all his teams. He commends him on the same. He looks again and sees that one of his main characteristics is a good team player. He is confused and asks him "It says here that you are a team but you single-handedly led most teams. Isn't that contradictory?" The candidate smiles and says "If everyone in the team likes to work with me, I am a good team player, right?" The interviewer says "Yes" "Well, I am the only person on the team and I like working with me"
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."