REDDIT 100
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
I made a belt out of watches once,
It was a waist of time.
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Wookiee mistake.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
The early bird gets the worm
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
How did harry potter get down the hill?
he came running jk rowling
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
My wife told me that I have a dad bod
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
This website won’t let me use “beefstew” as a password
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
My parents treat me like a god…
…they don't believe in me.
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead Man Wokking
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years…
he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence
A man and his wife are at a restaurant…
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives. 'what would you like sir?' he asks. 'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies. 'oh, well, do you know what she's having?' The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
A moral joke, finally!
The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?' ''Yes Ma'am, My Daddy is told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. Pin drop silence in the class !! ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ? "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk..!!"
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
– A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing??”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this bollocks?
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
Why can pirates not finish the alphabet?
Because they’re always stuck at “C”.
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.