“Reddit is brutal”.
learning to walk in high heels really kept me on my toes
No text found
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
Why 69 was afraid of 70?
Because once they had a fight and 71.
I just got attacked by a gang of mime artists…
They did unspeakable things to me.
Why does Batman wear Dark clothing?
Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright clothing? Batman doesn't want to get shot.
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
Why dont eagles and eels breed?
Because its eeleagle.
What’s the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws
Outlaws are wanted.
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
Flight attendant stop the bus I’m sea sick!
Sir you are on a train
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium bull says, “Same here, those are my cows.” The small bull agrees saying, “I’ll fight if I have to, but he’s not taking my cows.” The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, “Forget it, he can have my cows.” The medium bull, quivering by now, says, “No way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.” They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t hope to take him,” they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, “I’m trying to make sure he knows I’m not a cow.”
What do you get when you boil a funny bone?
A laughing stock
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
[Warning]: 18++
19.
“Do you wanna hear a ghost joke?”
"DAD, please don…." "That's the spirit."
I just bought an expensive car, only to find the reverse gear broken…
There’s no going back now…
No, I don’t know where most things are on the map!
I've never been good at geometry.
It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.
But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.
After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
Why is gum similar to guns?
If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.
I remember 2018…
Like it was yesterday.
Starting a mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
I’m a scientist doing research in bestiality.
Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
It’s ironic that Parasite won.
Because there was no host for the Oscars. Huh? Huh? I'll show myself out.
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
What is scarecrow’s favorite thing to wear?
A crop top.
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
This joke was posted by the user u/propane13 a year ago and it’s brilliant and I thought more people need to see it so here it is (I take absolutely no credit for this)
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want /r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want /r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
Men vs gorilla
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.' r>Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.' Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!' The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!' Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood … Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..